Did it AGAIN!

Maybe I should change my name to “Forgetful Vermonster” or something, because guess what I did?  Yep, I forgot to weigh in yesterday, AGAIN.  Sunday is just as good, right?  I slept late and I’m eating as I type this (now that I’ve weighed in), though I’ve drunk quite a bit of water today.  To be fair my bladder doesn’t feel all that full, so let’s just assume this weigh in is reasonably accurate.

Height:  5’9″ (still…)
Start Weight:  278lbs (BMI:  41)
Current Weight:  272.5 lbs (BMI:  40.2).
Average Daily Calories:  roughly 1750 per day (I had to guestimate some of the meals)

I’m still going down, which is the important thing.  I had intended to buckle down and get my clothes off my cross trainer and start using it, but when the time came I was bushed.  So that’s today’s project:  remove all clothes, bags, and other stuff from the cross trainer.

My other project is to locate my trainers; I tend to put out-of-season shoes in a box in the closet until the world re-thaws, but I didn’t see my sneakers in there.  Then again, I haven’t seen them in about 5 years…so perhaps I tossed them out.  If I don’t find them today I’m going to go ahead and invest in a new pair.

Next week I’m hoping my weight loss will be a little more significant, considering I’m going to be watching calories *and* using my cross trainer.

My dog loves the new walking routine; his fur protects him from the cold and, with the new route, he gets to pee on so many more trees!

Late weigh-in

Well, this weekend was not especially great.  I forgot to weigh in on Saturday until it was nearly bedtime, vowing to weigh in before any meals on Sunday and guess what?  Same thing happened…well, not quite.  I haven’t eaten dinner yet, so I suppose that’s something.

Height:  5’9″ (maybe I should stop listing my height, it’s not like I’m going to shrink!)
Start Weight:  278lbs (BMI:  41)
Current Weight:  273.6 lbs (BMI:  40.6).
Average Daily Calories:  1769

So I’m down 1.2lbs (this week) after eating breakfast, lunch, drinking who knows how much water (if I were a plant, I’d be drowning).  That’s not a bad thing, right?  You know, I almost lied just now.  How pathetic is that?  I almost lied and gave myself extra weight on my weigh in.  But who would I be hurting?  Just myself.  Gotta be honest.  That 1.2lbs just didn’t seem all that impressive.  Better than nothing, though.

A friend of mine gave me what I think may be the worst advice ever.  She suggested I have a cheat day rather than having controlled, pre-portioned snacks each day of the week.  Just one day where I can have one meal of whatever I want, however much I want.  That sounds great, but the fact is, I know myself too well for it.

See, one “cheat” meal would be delightful and horrific; it would be an entire large pizza with a side and I’d follow it up with icecream.  And one cheat meal would start the ball rolling down the hill, faster and faster, until one meal turned into one cheat day, which would turn into a cheat weekend, which would turn into a cheat week.  And then the last three weeks of struggling to stick with it (and admittedly sometimes failing so hard it’s pathetic) would all be undone.

I think I really do have a problem with food.  I never understood why my mother couldn’t just have one drink (I’ve never had the urge, it’s okay socially once in a blue moon but I don’t want to go out just to get drunk); the fact is she just wanted more and more to the point she’d black out.  For me, my drug is food.  I want to eat, and eat, and eat until I feel full – overfull – that feeling of fullness just before your stomach starts hurting.  Why do I want that?  It’s twisted.

Trying To Stay Positive

Well, this week was, in a word, a total clusterfuck.  Sometime around Tuesday I lost all my willpower when the third–yes, third–birthday was celebrated and cake was passed around.  I limited myself to one slice, or that’s what I tried to tell myself as I gobbled down the diabetic disaster the size of Texas.  It was so good and, after that, all bets were off.

Cookies were the name of the game on Wednesday; I told myself I could spread the container over the next week.  30 minutes later, they were gone.  Note to self:  don’t shop hungry!

Thursday was all about pizza – friends came over and wanted to order in.  I said I’d just have a sandwich but once the cheese smell filled my nostrils it was the end.   Note to self:  cook for friends next time they come over.

Friday was an attempt at a recovery that failed miserably when I was given a sample of fudge; so good.

Today it’s back on the wagon, for real this time.  I had a simple breakfast of bread and cheese (controlled portions), I’m going to have a chicken salad for lunch, and I’m going to make spaghetti for dinner (calories already counted).

It’s a miracle I didn’t gain this week – somehow my body managed a maintain (so same weight as last week) and I don’t intend to waste it.

The Low Point?

I’ve personally never had a problem with drugs; unless food is considered a drug, in which case I have something very, very wrong with me.  It’s a love hate relationship and I’m so overweight as a result; I often look at other people and wonder how they can have just one serving of something, or how they can possibly eat the things they do, and still remain slim.

When I’ve read about drug addiction or seen it portrayed in movies and tv shows, there’s always a “junkie” saying they hit rock bottom.  Their low point.  That point where they knew, deep down, that they had to change or it was going to kill them.  I’m not sure I’ll ever experience that point.

Logically, I know I’m putting myself at a very high risk of heart problems due to my weight, not to mention diabetes.  But even though I know that, just sticking to the diet for this one week was hard.  In fact, on new years I let go completely.  Two really big meals, followed by cake, and a whole pint of Chocolate Fudge Brownie by my two favorite cuddling on the couch companions, Ben & Jerry.

Do overweight people actually hit rock bottom?  Have I already hit it, and I just don’t know it?  Am I too far gone?  Or do I just not feel things the way I should?  This journey was supposed to help me answer questions and get healthier.  While I did drop some weight this week (stats coming up), I find I’m just getting more questions than answers.

Height:  5’9″
Start Weight:  278lbs (BMI:  41)
Current Weight:  274.8 lbs (BMI:  40.6).
Average Daily Calories (including insane new years):  1986

Despite best efforts on New Years, I dropped a little this week (3.2lbs); I know, I know, it could be a fluke and I really should weigh myself more for more accurate numbers.  Each time I weigh myself, though, it means risking seeing myself naked in the mirror – and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

Good luck out there, fellow travelers.